**************************
On
a Plumber's truck:
"We
repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On
a Plumber's truck:
"Don't
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza
Shop Slogan:
"7
days without pizza makes one weak."
At a
Tire Shop in Milwaukee!
"Invite
us to your next blowout."
**************************
At
a Towing company:
"We
don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
tows."
**************************
On
an Electrician's truck:
"Let
us remove your shorts."
**************************
In
a Nonsmoking Area:
"If
we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
**************************
On
a Maternity Room door:
"Push.
Push. Push"
**************************
At
an Optometrist's Office
"If
you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
**************************
On a
Taxidermist's window:
"We
really know our stuff."
**************************
In a
Podiatrist's office:
"Time
wounds all heels."
**************************
On
a Fence:
"Salesmen
welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a
Car Dealership:
"The
best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car
payment."
**************************
Outside
a Muffler Shop:
"No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a
Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be
back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At
the Electric Company:
"We
would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However,
if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In
a Restaurant window:
"Don't
stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed
up."
**
************************
In
the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll
wait."
At
a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank
heaven for little grills."
And
don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best
place in town to take a leak."
Sign
over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr.
Jones, at your cervix."
|
MAKE
FUN of OLD GUYS WEEK
Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
"Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a
beer.
|
A husband
and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length
mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I
look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely
above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a
mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all
flabby."
She turned to her husband and said, "Tell me
something positive to make me feel better about
myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it
and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,
"Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your
eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday
morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
Female friends of the family are invited.
|
Only
in America......do drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people
order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a
diet coke.
Only in America......do
banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we
leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only
in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we
use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they
have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER
WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our
hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on
mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the
headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is
"abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call
what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests
all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with
the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?
Why
didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the
needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible
black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when
it rains?
Why are they called
apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of
pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do
they call the airport the terminal?
|
A
blonde went to the appliance store sale and found
a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told
the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to
blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came
back and again told the salesman, "I would
like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he
replied.
"Darnit,
he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time;
haircut and new color, new outfit, big
sunglasses, then waited a few days before she
again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry,
we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed,
"How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he
replied.
|
My
wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same
way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then
we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and
said, "There was water
in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied,
"In
the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a
secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool
when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I
was in love and didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than
to let
him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate.
So
I got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he
decided not to report
it since the thief was spending
much less than his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then
he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some
parts of Africa, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad:
That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married;
then
it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred
letters.
They
all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made
my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married
him?" asked the friend.
"A
billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer
than single men.
It
only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard.
In
my case, it was almost impossible.
--------------------------------------------
----------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men
would go through life thinking they had no
faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A
successful woman is one who can find such a
man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie.
The genie tells him he can ask for whatever
he
wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of
what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay,
give me a million dollars and beat me till
I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared
for marriage.
They've
experienced pain and bought jewellery.
--------------------------
--------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday
is
to forget it just once.
|
You read about all
these Terrorists, most of them came to the US
legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for
as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster;
you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you.
I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
|
A Few Reasons to
Smile
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run
for President and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of
jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next
to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to
wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any
loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny
dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may
not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and
start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !! Why is it that our children
can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and
brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when
the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a
federal building?
Bumper
sticker of the year: "If you can read this,
thank a teacher - and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier !!"
|
Are
These Puns?
-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in
Seine.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
speaking.
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the
monogamy.
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of
floor play.
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable
occasion.
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism
your count votes.
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in
motion.
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
repossessed.
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a
dress.
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four
seconds.
-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't
budge it.
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
-- He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and
it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-- He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've
seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
basis.
-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden
leg but broke it off!
|
Here are actual error messages
seen on computer screens in Japan.
Aren't
these better than "your computer has
performed an illegal operation"?
|
The Web site you seek cannot be located,
but countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and
reboot. Order shall return.
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked
on. You ask far too much.
I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one
hears your screams.
Yesterday it
worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like
that.
Your file was so big. It might be very
useful. But now it is gone.
|
Stay the patient course. Of little worth
is your ire. The network is down.
A crash reduces your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost
data. Guess which has occurred?
You step in the stream, but the water has
moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but
we never will.
Having been erased, the document you're
seeking must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
|
A Japanese man was boasting
about how his country had such advanced medical
technology.
He said, "We take the lungs out of a man,
perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and
in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more
advanced than you.We can take the heart out of a
man, perform surgery and have him ready for work
in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can
take a kidney out of a man, put into another
man's body and have them looking for work in 2
weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's
nothin'.We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put
in the Whitehouse and now half the country is
lookin' for work!"
|
And Sometimes They Just Make It
Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during
a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
|
A man spoke frantically into the
phone:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor
asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
|
Not the Sharpest Knife in the
Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested
for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed
to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder
what he uses for a knife?
|
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man
with an MBA blamed his college degree for his
murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If
I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened."
|
How can you tell when a blonde
has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There's M&M shells all over the floor.
|
Why did the mirror have 6 holes
in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!
|
A brunette walks into a bar
and says, "Gimme an M L." The bartender
says, " What's an M L?"She says, "
A Miller Light."
Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a
B L."The bartender says, "What's a B
L?"She says, "Bud Light."
A blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a
15." The bar tender says," What's a
fifteen?" She says," 7&7,
duh!"
|
A blonde co-ed is looking at a
bulletin board and she sees a piece of
paper that says, "Ocean Cruise Only 5$"
She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and
goes to the address listed on the back of paper.
She walks into the building and hands the
secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods
and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde
pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it
to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a
burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the
him. He stands up and knocks the blonde
unconscious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied
to a log and is floating down river. She starts
to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees
one of her blonde friends (who is also blonde)
tied to a log floating right next to her, she
says, "So do you think they're going to
serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies, "They didn't serve
any last year."
|
A man went to visit his doctor.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out
please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly
hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says
the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks
please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!" says the doctor.
"I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
|
|
|
|
|